There is a big difference between having an emotion and it “having you.” You can have a feeling or you can be caught up in it. The trick is to have an awareness of the feeling. If we lack self-awareness, we are more susceptible to being caught up in a feeling. Then it runs us instead of us having it.
For example, you can be angry and handle it. Or you can be angry and get caught up in it so that you lose your good judgment and say things you regret later. We say, “He lost his head.” Really, he never had it. He never had the self-awareness that he was getting angry so it escalated to where it got out of control.
We have all had the experience where someone, let’s say Bob, is speaking angrily. Someone replies, “Why are you so angry?” Bob raises his voice and asserts, “Who me, angry? NO WAY! I am just explaining that…” People roll their eyes. When someone lacks self-awareness, they are often the last one to see that they have become caught up in an emotion.
Being caught up in emotions wastes our time and energy and may get us into trouble. Angry outbursts can spoil relationships. It is a major way that leaders get derailed in their careers.
In my public Virtual Workshop, Leadership Communication™, How to Communicate with Emotional Intelligence for Powerful Leadership, I give participants many chances to enhance their self-awareness about their own feelings and awareness of those of others. They can talk about their own case situations and explore how they feel about them. They get in touch with their feelings in the safe environment of our group.
Then I also help them explore how they might express those feelings appropriately. For example, the angry person might try saying, “I am annoyed that you have given me this report late three times in a row.” They put their feeling out there on the table so it is less likely to take them over. They are working with it consciously so they won’t get caught up in it. And it will not likely get out of control.
Copyright 2009, by William R. Murray, President of Eagle Alliance Executive Coaching, LLC. Reprint rights granted to all venues so long as this article and by-line are printed intact with all links made live.
